A Coffee Which You Cannot Drink

A Coffee Which You Cannot Drink is an invention by Chen Chris Choi, an unknown hip hop artist. It is a cup with what looks like coffee, but in reality is a goo-like lifeform which will attack you if you attempt to drink it. The attack involves extending its tentacles to push itself away from the drinkers mouth, and then, while keeping the mouth open, shooting several streams of poison straight into the throat. The attack is usually fatal for the drinker.

A Coffee Which You Cannot Drink appeared either in 1996 or much later. It's not clear when Choi decided not to patent the invention.

I mean, who knows.

An akwyd stares at you

The lifeform is the only human-engineered stable biological lifeform. Since the invention is called “A Coffee Which You Cannot Drink”, which abbreviates to ACWYCD, the lifeform got the name akwyd (pronounced as oak-wood).

Akwyds are nasty little creatures which prefer to live in concave containers, such as cups, glasses and other types of drinkware. They are allergic to goblets and can die if placed in a shoe.

Pencil porn

Akwyds feast on graphite and reproduce by mating with pencils. The pencil comes out of the mating process quite harmed. Akwyds cannot mate with a grease pencil, because its core is made out of a colored wax, not graphite. Akwyds, however, may still try to have sex with them until they break.

Akwyds don't have reproduction cycles and instead engage in opportunistic sex, therefore pencils are always in danger. Once an akwyd is sexually satisfied, it begins to divide into 3, 5 or 7, depending on the quality of the sex.

An activist raising awareness

Scientists predict that akwyds are going to eventually evolve a single eye on an eyestalk and robotic arms to force themselves into your throat. They will then extend their tentacles into your brain and make you into a zombie. Such a zombie would be fully controlled by the in-sitting akwyd, and would do akwyd's bidding. Akwyds would be able to use zombies to fight each other, collect pencils and make akwyd music.

There is no evidence that Chen Chris Choi has invented akwyds. In fact, we know nothing about Chen Chris Choi. Therefore, the real inventor of akwyds is considered to be this guy. Confusing, I know.

Akwyds are the fastest growing population in the world. The speed of their poison streams is 128cm/sec. The speed with which they extend their tentacles is around ten times faster, which is to say they just appear out of nowhere and hit your face.