Bart Hufnagel

Bart Miles Hufnagel is the owner and CEO of Timewatch. He also acts as the whole Board of Directors of The Wrath, a famous company producing dinosaur-themed jumpsuits.

He rose to prominence during the “Timewatch affair”, when he overtook Timewatch, a competitor of his company at the time, by kidnapping its CEO Linda Burns and torturing her with computer generated YouTube videos.

Bart Hufnagel has famously introduced the concept of NRPFs - nonprofit rubber production factories - and has founded several such factories around the world.

He is known for his highly secretive keynote speeches and plans to one day overtake the world as the Supreme CEO of Planet Earth.

At different times during his career he has been described as a con artist, a genius and an asshole. Some consider him to be the most evil man alive. Some don't.

It is considered to be a broad consensus among historians and biographers that in his early years Bart Hufnagel was a baby.

Since in 1957 Bart was not yet born, nothing happened in his career during that year. A number of Hufnagel's biographers believe this to be a very unimportant fact, while others disagree. A controversial biographer Frank Dupeaux had gone as far as to create a series of books that chronicles every year starting 1950 up to Hufnagel's birth in a quest to chronicle the early years of Bart's career.

Frank Dupeaux writes:

It was the desire to capture every relevant fact of this man's biography that prompted me to go back in time, just in case something relevant happened in the most early days of Mr. Hufnagel's journey.

An artist's representation of a spoon that killed Ken Stewart

Quite a number of readers have argued that years prior to someone being born cannot be considered “a description of their early career”, since Hufnagel is never even mentioned in these books, and have demanded their money back. Dupeaux refused and the case was brought to court. Eventually he was jailed for fraud. He has since escaped from prison, and is now publishing books about Hufnagel while living in an undefined authoritarian state. Considered the foremost authority on the life of Bart Hufnagel, he nevertheless has admitted to liking avocados, and also making up most of the facts about Hufnagel's life whom he had never even met.

Another Hufnagel biographer, Ken Stewart, was killed by what was believed to be a spoon thrown out of Hufnagel's office on top of the Timewatch skyscraper. Notwithstanding a prolonged and much publicized investigation, no one was charged with the murder.

Because of all the controversies surrounding Hufnagel's biographers, his early steps are unclear. In fact, the public became more interested in the biographies of Dupeaux and Stewart, so basically nobody cares about Hufnagel's beginnings anyway.

By late 90s Bart started his first business, which quickly began to fail. The company was producing futuristic and nonworking products, and for reasons still unclear to the historians they were not selling well.

Bart's competitor was a company called Timewatch. It also produced futuristic and nonworking products, but their products looked better, were more robust and could be used as fidget toys.

Hufnagel had approached the CEO of Timewatch Linda Burns before with the suggestion to join the Board of Directors and buy out the company, but was immediately refused. He then concocted and executed a well orchestrated operation to kidnap her.

Lisa Burns recalls:

Bart Hufnagel at the time of the takeover

He tortured me with those bizarre computer generated videos they do for kids, with super heroes and disturbing plots. I was forced to watch them and then write essays on their significance for the upbringing of children.

Burns gave up three days later and resigned.

This, however, did not give Hufnagel control over the Board of Directors, and protracted negotiations followed, where over the course of three months the Board set extremely unlikely financial goals. Hufnagel accepted and was instated as a CEO.

He had 6 months to deliver on the goals, however he spent all that time scheming and plotting against the Board, and by month 5 was able to remove several key members, replacing them with his own people. By the time his performance had to be evaluated, the Board of Directors was under his control.

Bart's famous line at that meeting was:

Hehehe

after which he was offered a permanent contract as a CEO of Timewatch, and joined the Board of Directors. Over the course of the next 6 years Bart Hufnagel obtained enough shares to have the controlling vote and essentially became the dictator of Timewatch.

Main article: Timewatch products

Fourth generation reProphet devices

Timewatch has been doing relatively well at the time of the takeover, but its revenue has been steadily going down. By the time Hufnagel consolidated his power, the company was already losing money.

Bart has reinvigorated Timewatch by proposing and starting several new products, including reProphet. The latter became a sensation and has changed the face of technology from basic AI with the ability to do advertising to a menacing general purpose intelligence capable of modeling the responses of real people.

Your typical Bart keynote

Early on Bart Hufnagel was known to be extremely secretive about the upcoming products. However, when in a 2002 interview he claimed that reProphet was announced during his keynote speech at a Timewatch event to thousands of people, it became quickly apparent that nobody seems to know anyone who actually attended. The only person who claimed attendance in the past was Ken Stewart, but by that time he was already dead.

This has given rise to rumors that everyone at the secret keynote was killed. During the next more publicized Timewatch event of 2003 most people decided not to go, and those who went were denied access to the keynote speech.

Since then it is widely believed that Bart Hufnagel is doing his keynotes in front of an empty audience.

Main article: NRPF

Exhausted by wealth and success, Bart Hufnagel has introduced the concept of NRPFs - nonprofit rubber production factories - and founded several such factories around the world.

Since factories were nonprofit, all of them quickly filed for bankruptcy. Today, there are no operating NRPFs. However, among wealthy aging people in Australia a dream to open an own NRPF as part of a retirement plan is a widespread thing to say at local cocktail parties.

Not much is known about Bart Hufnagel's personal life because hordes of his biographers make up whole novels about him claiming documentary value. He seems to be an avid chair user, sleeps, eats and prefers being healthy to being ill.

Bart Hufnagel is known to like fish tomatoes.